Untold stories

With all the pregnancy dramas over the last week, an interesting pattern has emerged. Of all the women with whom I have told my story too, every mother has had a story about pregnancy and non of them good. As a first time mum did I really believe that it was all smooth sailing during this pregnancy lark?

Comfort has come from hearing these stories and seeing that a problem of mine can also be an opportunity for others to grieve and share something that is rarely discussed. 30+ years ago, women were told to simply “Go home and try again” following a miscarriage. And, everyone did. For me, solace is that all these women are brilliant mothers with 1-4 kids each between them.

It is strange how somethings lie within the grey area of life making them so difficult to talk about.

Blyto however continues to kick Danny deVito’s arse and is 20 weeks today. Happy halfway spudlink!

Room for another?

I had promised myself that I wouldnt write only about being pregnant, but theres been developments on the front that require digesting. It seems that the little Blyto has a companion. I wouldnt say friend, but here’s hoping just a room mate. The jist is that I have a twin molar pregnancy. One one side, a perfectly growing 18week old spud, and then a mole. The word is ugly (but it looks worse trust me) but thats medicine for you – the Mole mimics a pregnancy and grows and makes hormones and a bunch of stuff like that. So it causes a bunch of problems which Im aware of but not too aware. My odds of un desirable occurances increase by a fair bit, enough to almost warrant buying a lotto ticket.

Our lotto ticket is just to keep walking ahead, praying (but not in a  religious manner) for good fortune and taking this life as it comes. Yes, it does make me wonder again why overweight, smoking, drinking nut jobs make having a baby seem so easy.

The only question now is… will we qualify for two baby bonus cheques?**

** just kidding

sprung, spring and sprouts

It is the 1st of September, the callendar is bleating the first day of Spring. Somehow from the frost on the ground and the fact I jogged this morning in a beenie I dont quite believe it. Others may disagree, like the blossoms on the side of every road in Canberra and possibly the malls with their new season collections.

As for sprung – that’s the growing lump. This morning my pants were almost too tight. I used the typical female excuse of “theyre freshly washed” which really deep down didnt cut it with the husband (or myself). It just highlighted the ever growing thing which is making my life more breathless. Climbing on the weekend (tr) was more than exercise. On routes I have waltzed up previously, I had to pull harder than ever and dismiss the sound of the steam train coming from my lungs. Fortunately I remember sneaky rests and was able to nap in the sun in between.

The other thing discovered this week was a list of things not to eat. One of the items was sprouts. Im going to miss my sprouts and am investigating this further to see if its American hype or something I should be really worried about.

hail, lemons and bumps

Unpredictable weather is best enjoyed from the safety of ones home. It was enjoyable today to watch the craziness unfold over 4hrs. 2 hail storms, 2 sun showers, blue sky and upside down birds. It must have been the right day to have the flu.

The upsidedown birds did surprise me. They were pink and grey gallahs and as soon as it started hailing they inverted on the power lines and put their wings out as if to shield their heads. They looked liked fruit bats. I thought it would be funny if humans did a similar thing if it rained. Proves the bird has a brain that it wishes to protect.

The second part of the day involved lemons. The grating, squeezing, mixing and drinking to get well. The lemon merangue slice I made is going to get me well, but it is possible that the large amount of sugary goodness in it will cancel out the lemons healing effects. Have to wait and see. It did make me feel like a domestic goddess being able to make something that required triple baking.

And the third – the bump – the ever growing (and groaning) lump in my belly has screeched past the first trimester finish line taking 1st class morning sickness honors and potato cravings. Still, I feel like a bit of a fraud as it isn’t sticking out yet. At least the top bumps are ;) Im sure there will be time for belly gloating, and also wishing it were smaller. Patience!

…kids

is slang for children, and although it means the same thing, it implys two different ages and qualities. Often I use the word children when I want to describe a roudy bunch of punks under the age of 12. I use kids when I think of my friends and time spent adventuring. Both still youthful, one more serious than the other.

This leads me to thinking about other associations with positive and negaitve connotations. Like sex/fuc*ing/making love etc. Its the alliteration of these words that carry with it different meanings, yet all describe the same act. English isnt a particularly tonal language, so instead we use different words to emphasise the concept we are projecting.

But im no writer, and definately find pictures far more interesting.

Difference of ambition

Being ambitious can be seen as competitive, hungry, narrow focused, driven etc. All very positive strong words. Im not one to question people’s drive for sucess, but I do wonder about the definitions we all associate with this word. Further more how do our definitions of these measures effect the way we value ourselves.

where now is

Green feet

Theres been so many occasions Ive thought about writing things, and I find myself wondering why I havent. I rode home last night, there were the blackest clouds – sickly purple who let their fat drops out on me. Why is rain sometimes thin or thick?

The fattest raindrops were recorded over Brazil – 10mm thick. Something to do with them binding onto smoke particles.

Im getting distracted. 2009 has started with a big sigh of relief. In lots of ways, last year was incredibly happy and sad. So now, its like after a massively hot day and subsequent thunderstorm. Wonderful smells and beautiful light and Im all cool and exhausted but know in the morning Ill have the energy back.

Each day has a morning.

This morning im too hungry to say any more but have re-bookmarked this page.

Cliff

I have spent a lot of time on cliffs
When I look out I can see for miles and miles
The skies haze has an invisible weight
Sometimes it turns grey.

To the left from my cliff it slopes downwards,
To the right, a little up but still down
On top it is flat and sunny

Sometimes the wind picks up
and I lie right at the edge
and let the invisible blast me.

It’s pretty simple.
So when things start to get complicated
I try to think of my cliff.

Everything becomes easy to understand in flat shapes.

sort of the same

The sun definately hasn’t changed, but the way I am using punctuation has. 3 months abroad chasing rocks and the summer means that I am at a happy place. The colours seem to be brighter than I remember, and the Australian sky so beautiful. The way it gradates to white at the horizon.

October is Spring, it’s also my birthday and generally the month when I feel anything is achievable. Right now, the most daunting task at hand is sifting through the thousand+ photos without getting blue. The greatest thing is the rhythm I am still carrying from my travels. I realised that it is possible to get a lot of things done without rushing – that way instead of blundering through life and missing people and moments, I can still ’smell the flowers’ and be productive.

Ones personal pace really rubs off. Positive, energetic, passionate life doesn’t have to be manic.

6.49s

Ive been waking up at the same time, alarm un-assisted. Something exciting is happening. Now that im up off the couch, its really starting to roll. Like anything, if youve had time off for a while, the first few sessions are the hardest. And its been 5 years since Europe. Time is fast, but so much has also happened in there.

I was reminded of things ide forgotton – like cycling around NZ the other year. Getting really sick on roast vegetables and ending curled up in a room like an old mans armpit. Memories and adventures are so so good. Its what gives everyday some kinda peace. The only thing im bummed about is actually leaving. Once on the road it will be fine, but a heavy heart to start. Hopefully my luggage will not be so.

backyard noise

Hanging out in the big smoke seems ok at first. Pretty lights, and just more stuff to see. But the trucks and the constant hum really infect the brain and the peace i find so easily at home just doesnt seem to come easily here.

So im wondering, why am I heading to San Francisco.?. Basically im thinking its a challenge, a shake up, out of the comfy armchair and time to be unstable for a while. Im excited to enter the next few months of chaos, only because im so concrete on the inside. Its a really nice feeling.

But the speed of the city. Its something else. People seem so intent on getting places faster that they miss out on the stuff to see and feel along the way. Its not hard to get grumpy in traffic if you are late, but when you own your clock, its lovely to stare from the bus window and notice things. Notice the weird tiles on the top of suburban homes, the super blueyness of reflected skies, and puddles that just seem to stay forever (well 2 days)

So im going to go slow, but effective slow, productive slow through the noise.

another first

Unemployment. Excitingly odd, but really not frightening because I have a million plans and now a million minutes in which to action them. Its day one again, but being liberated from the screen just makes me bust. Even though im sitting here writing now, its not in the same place i was before, and a little bit of digital every now and then is ok.

Its like if i smoked, quitting. You know you want to get healthier, but you do need to ween, or else its too much of a shock. The upcoming trip, and the lack of any personal computer is going to make my eyesight a lot better and my mind a lot quieter.

Considering ive broken up with my work-boyfriend of 5 years, i didnt do too bad and only consumed a large amount of icecream last night. I already miss the sounds, but getting uncomfortable and out of the cozy chair is good – especially seeing canberra winter is coming on thick

day one

Only my right hand feels cold. But winter is definately lurking. Perhaps its accounting for the black wave.
If there werent black waves ide stay in the grey rut quite comfortably, but then ide never get to light. all a bit introverted really.
Theres something soothing about blankets with ribbon edges, mothballs and pastle checks. The leaves are still holding on by there teeth to the branches outside. Thats about all the observations i feel like making.

a-void

so, im at this point where im avoiding going forth into the unknown, rather than stay in the unhappy known.
that doesnt even make sense to me now that i write it.
this life is what you make of it. i am conservative in my mental adventures; odd when there is never a question of physically pushing myself somewhere new. Maybe its the physical push that distracts me from the real things i need to sort out.
atleast i can have a single thought – if but only for a few beats.
i dont know where 6 weeks will take me, i really need to trust myself that it will all be alright.

all out

its so loud, but if i actually stop and listen its really deathly still. Thats the point. That im making noise to hide the fact that really, upstairs its damn still and earthly flat.
so, after so many years, have i finally found the point in the horizon where i fall off. Its like a low mist is up there. It always used to be this enormous wall with branches glistening hanging over the top of – and i never could get up there and look over and see what lay on the other side. But i was trying. And now im not. Its like the wall is there and i just dont have any grace left to try and climb it.
thats doesnt even make sense. But by actually trying to write about it im putting something in to make me climb again. Maybe ill get some solar panels, strap them to my head and sit in a flat place and recharge.

un-capital

i like to start things without capital letters. Mostly because thoughts never seem to have a real start and a real end. Im finding the pick up super quick at the moment and the battle of adventure v’s life is in full motion.
its the ongoing pain of having two halves. Part of me would throw nothing but climbing gear and sneakers into the pack, whilst the other would hide the pack and get a debt.
but. I do tend to exagerate. Especially on the end of a week when there has not been enough hours. I guess its that swings and roundabouts and at the moment its a crazy slippery dip into the work-pit.
happy but, as the kids in there are super good to play with and never pee in the corners.

and back

So fast, the rhytm picked up where it left off and im wondering if there ever was a girl with greasy hair and dirty feet.
But, its the nature of this type of life that ive chosen, and in a way I really like how structured it is. I also think that if i was a dirt bag the whole time i wouldnt revel in it as much as i do. So thats the trade off.
In any case, it doesnt matter. The grass is super green where i am standing and this year is full of such good ideas already. If I can get my ipod working again Ill have proper songs to sing along to, but in the meantime I got all the words and all the sounds i need.

schools out

So, i made it. All the way to now. And this morning, whilst the rain acts like a spoilt brat, i face the prospect of 2 weeks without a monday or a watch.
Exciting. And i dont think ive felt this strongly about holidays since i was a kid. The house is completely packed. We have everything for every activity possibly encountered by anyone ever. Ie. there is nothing left in this place.
I cant wait to hit the road, discover the fibro shack and see wether my 8 stitches keep a hold whilst i play at the point. This cup is so full right now, such a flipside to a few weeks back.
And such a contrast to last year. I had to find some photos for work the other day and was looking through 06. I saw a girl with a smile but such belly grey in the eyes.. made me sad, but then happy to be out of that box.
On a completely different tangent – im cramming thoughts in here fast – slow craft – process driven craft is where its going. Im seeing more and more things created that are visually crap, but its the method that is the interesting part.
Anyhow, im getting bugged to get going. Theres still stuff left to pack….well, me, my lunchbox and a blank book.

challenge

How can a small black spot make me see things so differently. Im not in a rush to live, but I want to make sure i make the most of every day. In my shadows are piles of things to do. How do i make sure i remember theyre there. That time is precious, that this is life. There is one, and that it is uncontrollable; good and bad.
Im grieving about events not occured/ing.
I always felt invincible, and now a poppyseed threatens to be an iceberg.
Heads up. Marching band in tow.

being naughty

Such a child word ‘naughty’ – but something that sums up the small treats i allow myself. This week, ive paid particular attention to little things that make me happy.

This is the small list -
licking a knife (regardless of what i cut)
mango seeds in private
loud, loud music in my earphones whilst walking through the bush
pulling on stockings
biting my hands (gross, but the callouses have to go)
eating a licorice allsort as if it were slabs
hanging up washing on hangers that all face the same way
pressing snooze (a standard one)
3 brazil nuts in the morning
dancing on the cow skin and pretending im good
crying because i see, hear or read something trashy

Even having the time to write this is a pleasure. Infact thats the biggest indulgence of all, the quiet moments when noone is looking and i can gaze at my navel and rest.
How can i make all these times last?